Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What did the DJ name his son?
https://ift.tt/338Kd76
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
