Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
It was the first day of school…
… and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863!" The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "Send them all back." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "Stephen Miller, 2016!" The student in the back yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher said to the student in the back, "Stop that right now, or I will alert the principal!" The anonymous student replied to her, "I didn't do anything wrong, everything I said was perfect!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Donald Trump, 2020." The teacher stormed out of the class to get the principal, and as the classmates looked at each other, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro to get him to shut up, while someone else yells "Duck"! Pedro calls out, "Dick Cheney 2006!"
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
I was at a party and every one had a cold.
Yo it was sick!
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.
While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s) Letter “I”: W: “ I is for….. iguana” S: “iguana…. iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.” He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
