Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole’s Law…
Is basically just cabbage.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
What do houses wear?
Address
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.