Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

But he spends all his time on his dashboard

"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."

Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.

He wasn't being very trans parent.

MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not

What a stupid old gti.

It's a true pundemic

It was a coughee cake.

A homo sectional

He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.

It cracks up!

Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game

Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

[REMOVED]

Because nothing gets under their skin

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.

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A vicious circle.

The cornea the better

It’s where I flip your MOM over

To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

[removed]

I just needed an outlet.

It’s quite bazaar

I said "6' 2", but good guess."

and the other duplikate.

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.

I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.

…but I still haven’t gotten it.

When the punchline becomes apparent!

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.

Because every play has a cast

Thanos had to clap

Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."