Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
The ultimate Dad Joke – Bulgarian Train Man
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. Edit: Sorry.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the TV’s joke?
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around