Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
[Warning]: 18+
19.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.