Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
So I found this lying around and forgot to put it up earlier, here you go
How can they see over their giant noses?
My dads Facebook is a gold mine for these
Now that’s commitment
Just made my first meme!
Wife bad, animal abuse good
Scalar quantities better watch out!
“But they don’t speak ‘murican!”
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
Can’t think of a title that’s not political
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
I prefer classic
Weird Al Oof
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I sense a lie
What even the hell is this
At least he tried
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
It is in fact the reason
How the turns have tabled
good boomer humor
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
Courtesy of my mother’s Facebook
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
Sometimes hope is a bad thing
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
Oh now they wanna be pro choice
This hits home
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
It’s Hilarious Because Killing Women, Amirite?
My uncle sent this to the family group chat
I work with a lot of web developers
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
shuf go brrr
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
Cat loses tail in freak work accident; boss never heard from again….
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Found this gem on Facebook.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
Historically accurate half dollar
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
No text found
Civil war II
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
This child knows nothing.
Tweets that just keep on giving
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
found one in the wild
Republicans are going to cry over this!
Labs are sh!t am I right
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Not the time, dad
Developers approving pull requests
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.