Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
You can do better
You can do better
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but itβs already been changed three times today.
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
Whatβs the warmest part of a room?
The corners. Theyβre 90 degrees.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
Me: Whatβs the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, Iβll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So whatβs the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
I used to really enjoy political jokesβ¦
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…