Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
Why are teeth so privileged?
They’re straight and white.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
More menu icons!
Not a better methapor for the current administration….
good boomer humor
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
If you know who this hero is, you are a true scientist 😎
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Because if he moves he’s gonna get blasted
We get it
Make America great…
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
Won’t Get Fooled Again
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
How do you even begin to debug something like this
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
Just my thoughts after 2 hours of Laplace transformations
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
We all cried there.
My mom literally just posted this on FB
The fashion must for this year’s Kentucky Derby
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
The Scroll of Truth Never Lies!
Oh Lord show some mercy!
Let me show you how
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
What do you call an army of babies?
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
4096-bit should do it
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
Tabs or spaces?
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
I’m a vitamin z guy
The Amazon reality.
Answers On A Postcard.
r/memes is taking a turn for the worst…
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
I don’t know if he’s serious
Not 1, not 2 not even 3
Is this the real life or fantasy
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Take me back to the simpler times
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Sadly in life, you have to sometimes escape the reality.
Joe’s not holding back
Slash is boomer confirmed?