Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I’m too ‘controlling’.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .
A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [now silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
Don’t mess with WIFE !!!!
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
