Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
