Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
This is you too, Don’t lie
This is you too, Don’t lie
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why can’t china play cricket?
they keep eating their bats…
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"