Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
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I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
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I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
![It usually takes longer to write the automation code too [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/z4grlcpz06d31.png)
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
