Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
But on the other hand im fine
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
It was a total naan starter.
Because its iceolated
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Oops, wrong place for this post
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
Call it Instagram
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
..they both belong in a pen….
It was about time.
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Because they lactose.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
So they can beat the crowds.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
Including my name, address and phone number.