Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. π
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
βYou know, one wouldβve been enough!β
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, βDaddy! Daddy! Guess how old Iβll be in August!β I said, βOh I donβt know princess, why donβt you tell me?β She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
Itβs now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still wonβt say where she got them…
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
Itβs incredible how many people confuse βtoβ and βtooβ.
Itβs amazing two me.
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Parkβ¦
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area andβ¦well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock