Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
I had the best Dad moment last night… *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?
By walking. JK. Rolling.
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
I’ve been seeing these all over my Pinterest. They’re cards on sale for about 14$.
https://ift.tt/2QZpNKM
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
I Want A Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?