Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
What’s the difference between Reddit and Instagram?
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.