Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
There were three guys on a plane
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and they’re walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying “An apple came down and killed my cat” she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said “a lemon came down and killed my dog” They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said “I farted and the guy behind me exploded”
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
How many typographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'd tell you, but you wouldn't really appreciate thr punchline with Reddit's default font.
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
