Why did the sick man go to Starbucks?
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Just a normal day in Pakistan
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
Hope this reaches my target audience
Hope this reaches my target audience
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once
It’s a four loaf cleaver
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
69 fought 70
71
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.