Why did the sick man go to Starbucks?
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A wife asks her husband, “Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh… no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No!" he said… trying hard now to hide his anticipation. She said "Might want to check the garage".
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
Are my testicles black
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
A lemonade seller and the businessman.
A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices. "$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones." Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent. After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3×5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!" The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?" Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
