Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
The computer is connected to watt?
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said “no signal” and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesn’t. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, it’s still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. They’re good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the “space heater” back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve
The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
