Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
A woman goes to her gynecologist…
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"