Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
Thyroxine is trying its best.
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
MATLAB: fake it until you make it
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
New year bad
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
Spinning the Blame Wheel …
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
An enjoyable boom
Living paycheck to paycheck just like us
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
For anyone having trouble understanding the issue
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With a bang, she’s gone. The second says: “I want to be Madonna.” She also disappears immediately. The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster. St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Do you not see me?
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
it was me all along
Programming in the abyss
“Yo data so messy…”
The best language!!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Satan himself has arrived
I thought this was a joke at first but it isn’t
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
Woman bad, car part good
quarantine really got me realizing things
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
Boy, Obama really made a mess of things, didn’t he.
Don’t forget to break your loops
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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Sudo live life
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant…
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen." The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing it to the man. The man smells the fork and says: "WOW, you have prepared a nice Crispy Panko Shrimp Salad with Walnuts tonight! I'll take that". After eating the salad the waiter approaches him again, asking what he would like for his main dish. The man arrogantly responds: "Just bring me a knife from the kitchen". The waiter goes in and fetches a knife, hands it to the man who smells it and says: "Wow, I can smell you have prepared a nice Skillet Chicken Bulgogi with Mushrooms, bring that to me". The waiter's patience is wearing thin, but without complaints he brings the man his food. Finally, for desert, the same thing happens again and the arrogant man tells the waiter to go fetch him a spoon from the kitchen. The waiter has really had it by now, and he really can't stand the man's arrogance anymore, so he goes inside the kitchen, grabs a spoon and tells one of the waitresses to rub her crotch with it. The waiter goes out the kitchen and walks up to the man's table, handing him the spoon. The man smells it, waits a second, smells it again and finally exclaims: "Hey! I had no idea Susan worked here!"
Just turn it on and off again!
Updated “Things We Can’t Afford” with the costs for those things
Why not just make it official, Mitch?
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
*reads in Carl Sagan’s voice*
21 tO oWn CeLl PhOnE pLz
Ps I hate my spouse
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.