Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
βThank goodness,β he says. βIt was imaginary.β
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
I donβt usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers βthe one sucking.β Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday