Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.