Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
I once played the triangle in a reggae band but I left
It was just one ting after another
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men