Why did you do this to me, Pinterest
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…