Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.