WHY DIDNT I GET MY GOLD >:(
“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-1-400x413.png)
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
