Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
Somebody stole my mood ring…
I still don't know how I feel about that.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
Either the shop is going to go bust or you’re out of pocket.
Either the shop is going to go bust or you’re out of pocket.
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later