Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
The gynecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"