Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?
The one whose sack reads "Idaho"
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
It all.
The title says it all.
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'