Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
Courtesy of my 6 year old – Where did fozzy bear take his dog?
For a walka walka walka
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
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Is buttcheeks one word…
Or should I spread em apart?
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
![In parts of Upstate NY, the [i] in words like “milk” is pronounced like an [e], like “melk.” This means that on Reddit, instead of getting “gilded,” you get…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-33-400x247.png)
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
