Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9-iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked! So I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "Ribbit. 3-wood," the frog replied. I took out my 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. It was incredible. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life. So I asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas, went to Caesar's Palace and the frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette." When I got to the roulette table, the frog said, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this was a million-to-one shot to win, but by this point I trusted the frog completely. I put it all on black 6 and, amazingly, won! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. Suddenly I was a high roller. They put me up in the best room in the hotel. I looked at the frog down and said, "Frog, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. I don't know how to repay you!" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." So I thought, "Why not? After all the frog did for me, it is a small price to pay." With the kiss, however, the frog turned into a gorgeous 17 year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.