Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
Never take chidren seriously
They are always kidding.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I haven’t put in a time yet.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir, just press the button.” Me: “OK. What now?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? This is a microwave.”
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand.
The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
