# Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

## A man walks in to a bar, and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem." The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!" The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!" The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know…" A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?" "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work… ….b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

## How do you make a pheromone?

Tell him to let your people go.

## SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

## Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?

Because they're ice-o-lated

## Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

## You know why they named it the “bell”

Because it has a nice ring to it

## I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.

Elongate would really stretch on.

## What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?

Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.

## A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol…

One gent stops to discuss the matter: “See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?” “Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing. “Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?” The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.” “Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?” “I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.” “Comin’ right up, Sister!” The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”

## I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

## I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint

You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall

## Children in the back seat cause accidents,

and accidents in the back seat cause children.

## I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

## How do you catch a Polar Bear?

Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!

## Justice is best served cold…

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!

## It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.

## A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

## My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.

I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”

## As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.

You just have to have a feel for it.

## If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

## Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.

Apparently, the baconator.

## My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”

I replied with “that’s the point”

## I wrote a joke about minorities.

It's different to the other jokes.

## I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.

She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."

## The other day I asked my mom how many ‘a couple’ was,

"Two or three" she said. I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

## What do cats eat for breakfast?

Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now

## My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.