Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
He just can’t part with it.
A receding hairline.
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Look for Fresh Prints.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
No text found
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Not enough to break the ice.
Neither of us is rolling.
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
The plot thickens.
They have a foot fetish
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
I woke up exhausted.
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I have a hunch it might be me.