Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
Lately, I’ve been really afraid of elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
A gay man goes to a church
And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns". The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.” The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.