Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
I had donkey meat for the first time.
It tasted like ass.
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
So this happened today at Game 5 of the World Series that Trump is attending tonight…
https://ift.tt/2q0r1u4
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden
"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside." Adam asked, "What is it?" "Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers…
… and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please." The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please." They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. "That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them… and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train." On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please." All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
[NSFW] Senior Sex
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him. St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation" The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City" St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation" "Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies. After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me". St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."