Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
Pov: My mom wakes my sleepy ass up to do the dishes
Pov: My mom wakes my sleepy ass up to do the dishes
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I named my dog âWifiâ…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
âŚhave not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Unique Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
Why donât blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the âbrilliantâ idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. âDaaaaaddd!!!!â I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said âWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.â
I sleep better naked.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord