Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
