Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
I asked the clerk where the Terminator action figures were
She said "Aisle B, back".
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job