Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
But that was a type-O
Yes, we arson.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
No text found
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
My bi-polar bear.
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
Apparently the paper was jamming.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
I said maybe.
it can write other words too
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
He calls them missle toes.