Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?

The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”

They're so full of themselves…

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"

It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.

I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"

Arse skin for a friend.

Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

They say the business is toast.

And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"

It's still syncing

I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

Blew!

I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."

1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”

A receding hairline.

right where it hertz.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence

He didn't. He was never really on your side.

​ It runs in our jeans.

The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Tooth pics

There have been barely any posts all year.

My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.

Despairagus

Santa Claws

It pre-pears

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

A polter-goose

I will find you, you have my word

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. ​ He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" ​ She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. ​ After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. ​ Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" ​ Edit: Formatting

Because of their antybodies

If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

I'm a bad electrician.

I’ll be a sugar daddy.

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

But that’s a story for another time