Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
He Hate Elevator Boomers
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
Science is way better.
Republicans United To Fight For Injustice
Concise summary of a lot of the anti-progressive journalism these days
Why the fetus gets just the [G]oodies
The least Christian President ever
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
Can relate. Can you?
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
What color is the wind??
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
oops! all atoms!
hi hi dad i’m dad i’m dad
It’s funny cause its true.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
wanna bang Karen ?
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Open your eyes
Patriotism vs. Nationalism
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
What do you call dental x-rays?
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
Updates to Elon.child
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
this is why we need IPv6
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
Low yield drug Emithithumab coming soon to Step exams near you
An Interesting title
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
You can check out anytime you’d like …
What do you call a possessed bird?
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
Someone pissed someone else off.
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
What about Gynaecology?
Boomers love their tools
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
Ship of Fools…
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
What in the fuck
I’m not crying, you are!
what did they teach me
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time