Why do I always need to manually configure my PATH plugins…
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
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My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.
It was an autobiography…
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really… Bartender: What about that eye patch? Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye. Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit? Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
