Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “ After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
Dead crows
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
