Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
What do you call an iron made circular amusement ride?
A ferrous wheel.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.