Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
I hope you’re happy!
So I pushed her over.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
A ferrous wheel.
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
It just sits there and collects dust.
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
It was just soda grading
Eventually I folded
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
Because you can't see in the dark.
My bosses tie
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Its called the Groaner virus
It becomes a laughing stock
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
From a cattle log.