Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.