Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
When it turns in-to a driveway
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Me: That makes two of us.
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.' "Why would I want a frog" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs….nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. "Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"
Let me know if you cant come.
Yoda: Off course I am!
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
Because parking is for ten ants only!
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
I’m clean now!
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
She hates my mandates.
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
I suppose I should have asked why
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
Are their children called ice cubes?
He had loco motives
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
They’re waiting for their turn
He’ll be up all night.
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
You get repossessed.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…