Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”. The monk shake his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
Just remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you're a joke.
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined