Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
He was really good with his chord changes
I said I'd tell him later
Probably because it's a Dell
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
300 people died
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Asking for a friend.
It’s a small world.
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
It's my fanta-sea
Hitler volunteered for the army.
Seriously, how low can you go?!