Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you donβt.
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible…
The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he could go and make his next copy using the original in the vault as reference material. Since they've just been making copies of a copy for centuries and given his dedication to the process and his work so far the abbot agrees and brother Gray descends into the vault where he is given access to the only existing and oldest copy of the bible they have. Days pass, none of the other monks are particularly concerned as brother Gray was known to be a perfectionist and was recognized among them as one of the best in his craft. After another week though they become anxious as nobody had really seen him since his descent into the vault, as such the abbot takes it upon himself to check up on him. As he nears the vault he hears a gutteral sobbing, relentless and distraught. The abbot pushes open the door to the vault to find brother Gray lying face down in a heap on the floor, pages of the bible scattered all around. He rushes to his side. "Brother, whatever is the matter? We've been so worried about you. What's wrong?". Brother Gray pushes himself upright, wipes away the tears from his eyes and grabs the abbot by the collar. "The word was 'Celebrate'"
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
My son is a man trapped in a womanβs body..
Heβll be born in March.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: Thatβs so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: Thatβs so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess whoβs come crawling back
So for Halloween Iβm going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
Iβll be a sugar daddy.
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia