Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a Mathmachicken.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
What do you do when you break a stick of asparagus?
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
I never say curse words
I swear
Waited months for new kitchen and lorry capsized less than 300yatds from my home
https://ift.tt/2Wr1S9G
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.” “Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.” “Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.” “But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.” “Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.” “But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.” “Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-” “But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.” The priest falls silent. “And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…” The priest still did not answer. “And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…” The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry. “Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!” “Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
How do you know when a herpetologist is really upset?
They're throwing a hissy fit.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
