Why do people think reaction memes are funny
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?” The man replies “Like a glove.”
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
