Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
My wooden leg stepped in poop
Sorry about the shitpost
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
