Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.