Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldnāt do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after weād eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
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[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
Iām okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think Iām going to promote him to branch manager
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. āPardon me, sir,ā the mailman says, ābut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itās only going to end up back at your home in a few days.ā āAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againā replies the Buddhist monk. āBut sir,ā says mailman, āyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.ā āBut that is my intention, dear man,ā replies the Buddhist monk. āYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.ā
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says itās terminal.
