Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Jedi’s make lousy spouses
They always threaten to use divorce.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
I’ve seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
